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March 25, 2022 “Unbecoming”

I recently came across a new quote and I have fallen in love with it. “Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about UNBECOMING everything that isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

One of my favorite shows on television is coming to an end after 6 years. The episode that aired this week really touched me. There is a married couple, Toby & Kate, who met in a therapy session for obese people. They were the loud ones always joking and making fun of themselves first. They appeared to be the most confident people in the group. They would wear loud colorful clothing that was sure to get them noticed and when they started dating, they each felt like they had met their soulmate.

Toby had a heart attack a few seasons back and since then has really been putting in the work to improve his health. He decided he not only wanted to live for himself but for his wife and two children. Since working on himself he has lost a tremendous amount of weight, he’s now a tall lean machine. He went after a very high technical position and now earns a very large salary, and he is no longer living paycheck to paycheck. He now wears suits and ties, travels the world, and wines and dines in the best restaurants while still watching his calories and limiting his sugar.

Kate’s life, on the other hand, has not changed since they met. As a matter of fact, her weight had gone up even more. After visiting Toby at his new ‘fancy’ job in the city where the company’s headquarters are located and being surprised by Toby with a new very expensive house for their family, Kate flips out. She said she no longer recognized her husband. She said, “I want my old Toby back, this is not who I fell in love with.” He stated, this is who I always was, who you fell in love with was a person with very low self-esteem that would make obese jokes about myself before anyone else would. You, fell in love with a person that didn’t know their self-worth, a person that didn’t have the confidence to go after their dream career a person who was always stressed out and a person whose health was so poor that he had a heart attack.’ Is that what you want?

I can understand where both are coming from. Kate was content and not open to embracing change whereas Toby wanted change and longed to become the version of himself he always saw or wanted to see in the mirror. He was no longer afraid of failing and when he got out of his own way, he excelled in every aspect of his life.

In your quest to become who you really are, some self-discovery can help you get to know yourself a little better. But, finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a twenty-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are.

Self-discovery may seem like an intimidating concept especially for people like Kate who are afraid of change. But as we move into spring and new growth there is no better time for self-exploration than the present.

Start by 1) visualizing your ideal self, 2) explore your passions, 3) try new things and see what sticks, 4) evaluate your skills, and 5) identify what YOU value about yourself. The process for finding yourself looks different for everyone and you are in charge of the journey.

However, “Finding Yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you or before you got in your way. The above exercises can help you unbecome what you are not and transform into who you really are. It is time to lift that cloud that has been over your head, it’s time to have the sun shining bright on you. So, if you are ready repeat after me:


  • Who I thought I had to be in order to be loved?
  • Cultural stereotypes and people’s opinions of who I should be.
  • A person driven by trauma, pain, and generational curses.
  • The person who is not coachable.
  • The person waiting for permission to live a bold, bright life.

I choose to peel back the layers, to unbecome, and embrace the beauty of WHO I AM and that is NO MESS!

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